How to decode a Nordic woman?
Tall, independent, educated, and possibly blond… but that’s not all. Her tongue is black, she washes used yogurt jars, buys too big overcoats, and starts preparing her Christmas decoration in August.
My Icelandic wife Eirika purchased a coat, which looks nice on her but would look even better one size smaller. Is she afraid of getting weight?
For Scandinavians warm underwear is not a joke. Seasonal clothes are a synonym of survival. A Lapland tourist guide once told me how hard it is to make coquette French tourist women understand, that the skiing combination can’t be tight like a sausage skin. Sure it flatters your curves but if you think that a bra and a slip is what we call warm underwear you’re wrong. The vanity can make your husky safari at -32 Celsius turn into a nightmare.
Help, her tongue is black and her breath smells like anise. Is my Swedish girlfriend Ingrid alright?
Strong salty liquorice sweets flavoured with ammonium chloride are popular only in the Nordic countries. These black candies were originally sold as cough drops by drug stores. Gradually, Swedish, Finnish, Norwegian, Danish and later even Dutch and German sweet manufacturers started to commercialize more sugared variations of those sweets.
Some of the most tongue-numbing sweets contain not only ammonium chloride and liquorice root but also black pepper so people who are not familiar with this acquired taste can feel their whole mouth burning. Salty liquorice contains around 7% of ammonium chloride, which is enough to make your blood pressure rise.
To avoid the danger it’s good to know that these sweets are called salmiaklakrits in Swedish, salmiaklakrids in Danish and salmiakki in Finnish.
For my Danish girlfriend Olena the summer is a synonym of sun tanning. She is a real tanning addict and she always chooses a sunny seat at a terrace table, even though she is seemingly sweating. Won’t she ever have it enough?
Nine-month winter season in Northern countries provoke counter-effects such as sun addiction. However, when the first sunbeams meet the aspirin-white skin, there is a risk of an overdose. Especially, as Scandinavian populations are of a high-risk skin type and so more likely to develop melanoma. Also the UV exposure in Northern countries has been badly underestimated. Some serious studies demonstrate that in spring, parts of Sweden have as much UV radiation exposure as Sicily.
Worried about the sad melanoma statistics, the Danish government even set up a campaign some years ago called “Help a Dane” to ask French people to remind the Danish tourist of the dangers of the tanning.
I share household chores between my Finnish spouse Tiia and it’s me who goes shopping in the supermarket. Yesterday she asked me to bring her a Tampax triple-pack. Was she joking?
Some Scandiwomen have their own notion of sharing; “You do the domestic tasks, I’ll give you a hand as much as I can”. Many of them have been raised by their grandmothers, who did the household chores all alone and want to make sure that the future generation won’t make the same mistake. It’s not a big deal to purchase a pack of tampons in the 21st century.
Some studies about the marital satisfaction and sharing the chores have revealed that a couple who manages to divide the domestic tasks equally is more likely to stay happily married. However, fair share is more crucial for women’s marital satisfaction than for men’s, who don’t quite see how household chores could be linked to their happiness.
I just moved to Copenhagen and would like to meet a nice Danish girl. I have been told that Scandigirls don’t expect flowers and chocolate? Do I need to skip the gifts?
Gifts are alright, it is the way of offering that matters. Scandinavian women don’t like that the relationship looks like a banal business deal: “I invite you to a dinner, you take me to your place after.” The woman chooses you or not, independently of your financial efforts. Can’t buy me love…
My Finnish father-in-law proposed me to take a sauna with him. He took off his clothes and told me to do the same. I panicked and ran out. I asked to my wife Minna why she hadn’t told me that his father was a gay. Her whole family laughed at me.
The Scandinavian sauna is an old tradition even the children were born in the sauna at the time when there were no hospitals yet. Bacteria don’t survive in hot temperatures, so it was a sterile place where hot water was available.
In our days sauna is an enjoyable relaxation routine with no sexual connotation. Nothing to do with whether you are a hetero or LBGTQ2+, everybody takes sauna. Being naked is a rule as nobody pays attention to other fellows’ bodies. In addition, the traditional Scandinavian public sauna is seldom mixed. Even families use to take their Saturday evening sauna respecting the rule “the women first”, “the men after”. Sauna is a Finnish word, Swedish people talk about “bastu”.
What is this bloody ”no-make-up-day” that Minna is celebrating once a week?
In order to be gorgeous the most of the time a Sandiwoman wants to have one “natural day” now and then to enjoy her right to let go. This means third-day hair on ponytail, no make-up, old jogging pants, and a lazy dog walking in the woods. Quite often the chosen day fells on Sunday which is the right moment to charge the batteries before the workweek.
My Swedish wife Hilbritt starts preparing the Christmas decoration in September. We just came back from summer holiday. I don’t feel like jingle bells and reindeers yet.
Once again we can blame the long and dark winter season. Roughly speaking the Nordic calendar year can be split in two equal parts; the first half starting in Christmas and the second half in mlidsommarfest - juhannus in Finnish - situated in the end of June.
Beyond all, the Scandinavian Christmas is a celebration of light in the middle of the darkest period of the year. The lack of natural light is compensated by candles and garlands. The Christmas preparation is a way of coping with the beginning of the eternal winter season. As soon as days start getting shorter, people begin to buy seasonal gifts, which they then hide in some secret place in the house until Christmas.
I have been dating a Finnish Sini. We went to my place after a nice dinner. She got my fly open and slipped her hand inside my pants. Help, I want to slow down! I want to be romantic.
It is true that a Scandiwoman may let you know frankly and fast that your company is welcome. An also if it‘s not. People in the North have an anticipating nature. A woman can skip the teasing and go right to the goal, but this doesn’t mean that she is easygoing. Hitting a Nordic beauty may offer less surprises and excitement but also less lies and tears.
After the dinner Priscila, my Norwegian girlfriend takes her credit card out of her pocket and bangs it on the table of the restaurant. I find it embarrassing.
Scandinavian women have a long history of managing their own inheritance and salary by their own whereas in many other western cultures the spouse couldn’t make any financial decisions without her husband’s consent until the last century. Therefore, taking the credit card out form her pocket after a dinner is a natural gesture. The man is expected to have the same reflex so that the both can pay their half.
I’ll travel to Stockholm for holydays. Does Scandiwomen prefer exotic looking men to the pale Vikings?
You can be sure that some do, yes, but it’s not a general rule. It’s like with exotic food. Some like it spicy, some don’t. However, being a foreigner gives a man some supplementary glamour and makes him more interesting than the local men.
As most internationally oriented Scandinavian women are university graduates, they generally expect that their male partner have also a higher education background. But when it comes to foreign men, women get less exigent. A less educated man who comes from a different culture has an equal chance to get a date with Ulla than an ordinary local nuclear physics PhD.
Is my Danish girlfriend Reina a fake blond?
Scandinavians are not all blonds. I think the ratio is something like 50/50. Actually, many women have sand blond hair with home-made light blond stripes. Hydrogen peroxide products are sold in every supermarket but hairdressers also do streaks the all day long.
And yes, she can be a natural blond even if her pubic hair is dark. It is a common belief that hair is the same color in every part of the body but it is not true. Also the eyebrows can vary from the head hair color. However, a Scandiwoman with dark eyes and black eyebrows is hardly a natural blond.
Then again, what the hell does it matter?